It’s awful to have anniversaries of horrible things, and I don’t want to perpetuate it as I’d rather not believe in it, but I guess we’ve been conditioned into our yearly cycles so we just can’t help it.
It always hits me most late at night, if I’m working late or whatever and a song comes on that just takes me into that weird frame of thought that I felt during the time Robb was in hospital and for weeks just after he died. We were working non-stop then too, as Robb decided to check out right before our first big deadline (no pun intended) as a new company. Tonight, it’s Mogwai doing the business, but it probably could be anything.
The whole thing still is surreal. Not real at all. I just thought ‘it’s hard to believe my brother has died, hard to believe he was even alive’, not meaning to rhyme or anything, it’s just too weird and fucked up to be true, so it sometimes seems like none of it was real.
Something that has been going round my head for a long time now, usually all night at the gigs, is that it’s ‘fucked up’ (for want of a better phrase) that someone has to die for it to come out how much the people around them really fucking love and appreciate them. Maybe we should tell each other more. If Robb could have seen any of the gigs I don’t see how he could have done what he did. I don’t see how he could’ve done it anyway really. Too stupid. I didn’t think he was that stupid. I think the main thing we have to learn from what happened is that NOONE should ever, ever be that stupid. Always talk to someone. Life is the most amazing thing possible. If you don’t feel that, it can and should be learnt. I can’t forgive Robb for killing himself, because it’s not just about him, it’s about everyone around him and it’s fucked people up, and that is not fair.
I’m rambling cos I’m tired. Sorry. I’ve got a poem in me somewhere that has been kicking around ever since it happened, I need to find some space to write it down.